Days 1- 3...... Surreal

Originally I had started this blog on day one of my separation from my husband, or should I say day one of when he separated himself from me.....(blame it on blogger, they had technical issues and my first blog entry was deleted) So here I am starting this blog over....and today is day 3.

Do I think that my husband is making a HUGE mistake, of course I do....I think. I'm thinking that maybe God allowed him to make this choice to leave, so that I didn't have to.

I've thought about it a few times over the years...but honestly I was too afraid to do it. A single black woman with four small children.....not such a good thing.

But now the children are older...two in college and two at home....not so hard any more. I'm not going to try and convince someone to be with me that doesn't. Oh I think he's convinced himself that he has good cause to divorce me. Now both of us are Christians, and we both know God's views on divorce......but that thought is for another time.

I decided that I would write this blog like a journal, a chronicle of my journey through the murky waters of divorce and my emergence on the other side.....who knows, maybe someone else will stumble upon this blog and find some sort of solace in knowing that they are not alone in the world. That there is someone else that is going through the very same thing that they are. May be we can help one another.....but if nothing else this will be a catharsis for me, a self healing.

I didn't actually see my husband leave...he left during the day while I was at work. I had asked him to wait until I got home. Not so I could try and convince him to stay, we're way past all that drama, but because I wanted I needed to see him leave....and to see his face one more time. I guess it would be easier if I could say that I hated him, but I don't, I do love him....I just don't think we're good for one another anymore, not because we couldn't be but because I think we chose not to be.

The hardest part so far was adjusting to sleeping alone for the first time in 20 years...damn, 20 years....Our anniversary was this month May 28...and just a few weeks prior, he decides to leave....I think it was for the dramatic affect to the timing. Or maybe it was so he wouldn't have to suffer through buying me another present...ah, he probably would have bought me one any way.

But that's all water under the bridge. So how did I sleep that first night? Like a baby! My body, mind, and spirit were exhausted.....I didn't realize how drained I really was until that first night. The bags under my eyes look like tattoos.

It just all seems so surreal right now, like some sort of twisted dream that I'm going to wake up from....but I know is my heart that it isn't.

How does the song go...Who knows what tomorrow brings in a world where to hearts survive.....