Purpose

Life is such an amazing enigma....

e·nig·ma/iˈnigmə/

Noun:

A person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand. A riddle or paradox.

I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to feel as if there will be a life after the life that was.....and then I realized something, not so much a new realization, but the resurfacing of an old haunting feeling, "What exactly is my purpose?"

This is a conversation that God and I have had off and on for many years. I have a secret that I'll share with you. I have never truly known what my purpose in life was. I thought my only purpose was to be a wife and then a mother. I thank God daily for my children, they're the shining embers in what I would call the ashes of a marriage past. But I'm talking about that over all great purpose.

Does anyone every know what their purpose in life really is? I have no idea, but it's about time that I started finding out.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[b]

It's this promise that I'm going to lean on. I am no longer captive to a relationship that gave me no sunlight. Now there's nothing in my way to keep me from growing accept for me. I don't have to know right now what my purpose is, but I do know that I have one and that it will be good.

Inhale....Exhale....Inhale...Exhale

 It's been a little over four months.....and where am I? Better than I was, but not as good as I know that I'm going to be.

It was Sunday night...*sigh* I'm not sure what Sunday night looks like for most, but for me it feels like an weekly exercise in futility. By the time Sunday comes I realize that I have gotten no rest, that I'm just as tired as I was the week before, and that the next day will be Monday......and the wheel goes round and round.

I go to work, I keep my kids together, I study, I write....and I get no sleep. A good nights sleep has become something that eludes me. Just when I feel like I'm slipping into a really deep sleep, the alarm goes off.

Inside I know I'm holding on to something that I need to let go of....but I can't quite put my finger on it. The other day a really sweet person on Twitter asked me if I thought my "soon-to-be ex" would come back, or if I even wanted him to. I have asked myself these very same questions a thousand times...and I really have no answer.

I think, I'm afraid to admit out loud that I really don't want him to come back.....that would make me a bad person, a bad wife. I'm supposed to keeping the light burning in the window in the hopes that "sir stupid" will see the error of his ways and come home.

The not so funny thing is, if I think about it too long a get a knot in the pit of my stomach and feel nauseous! (I have really bad reactions to anxiety) That's when I have to remind my self to breathe...inhale, exhale....inhale, exhale.....I have to remind myself that I can only be in control of my own actions, that it's OK for me to love myself and to know that I deserve to be happy.....and that this is all just a part of the process.

"I willingly accept love and feel it to the depth of my being."

This Woman's Work....My Work

Ok.....do I've come to the realization that if this particular blog is going to work, I'm only going to be able to write in it when I really feel inspired. So there it is.....

That being said, last week, I decided to watch the movie "Love and Basketball", this is one of the best "Chocolate Chick Flicks" that I can think of...the other is "Jason's Lyric". Anyway, I was watching the movie not realizing that deep down, I really wasn't ready for a serious chick flick, let alone this one.

Why this movie in particular? For two specific reasons, 1. It's a great Chick Flick, two, it was while watching this movie for the first time that I hear the song "Woman's Work" by Maxwell for the first time.  (This song by the way is one of the few that cuts right to my soul every time) So I'm in the kitchen watching the movie, the scene with the song comes on, and before you know it, I'm sitting in my chair crying my eyes out. Not loud over the top crying, but the deep painful crying.....and I have NO reason why.

Bu I do know this...I'm going to keep on moving on. Keeping my head up, doing what I need to do each day to get through this journey.....but just for a while, maybe I'll lay of the "Chick Flicks".

This to shall pass~

Pray God You Can Cope

I'll Stand Outside

This Woman's Work

This Woman's Worth

Ooh, It's Hard On A Man

Now His Part Is Over

Now Starts The Craft... Of The Father

[Bridge]

I Know You've Got A Litte Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet

I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left

[Course]

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show,

I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,

All The Things We Should've Said That I Never Said,

All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,

All The Things We Should've Given But I Didn't,

Oh Darling Make It Go,

Make It Go Away...

Give Me These Moments,

Give Them Back To Me,

Give Me A Little Kiss,

Give Me Your...

  

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Give Me Your Hand Baby,

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

Give Me Your Pretty Hand,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Ooh My,

(I Know You've Got Alot Of Strength Left)

Your Love Child,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Whatever You Need,

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

Give Me Your Hand,

(I Know You've Got A Little Life In You Yet)

Give Me Your Hand Babe

(I Know You've Got A Lot Of Strength Left)

I Should Be Crying But I Just Can't Let It Show Baby,

I Should Hoping But I Can't Thinking,

Of All The Things We Should've Said That We Never Said,

All The Things We Should Have Done That We Never Did,

All The Things That You Wanted From Me,

All The Things That You Needed From Me,

All The Things We Should Have Given But I Didn't,

Oh Darling Make It Go Away Now,

Just Make It Go Away..

Pillar Of Salt

 Genesis 19:17-26 NKJV 
 

17 "So it came to pass, when they had brought them outside, that he said, "Escape for your life! Do not look behind you nor stay anywhere in the plain. Escape to the mountains, lest you be destroyed."
18 "Then Lot said to them, "Please, no, my lords!"
19 "Indeed now, your servant has found favor in your sight, and you have increased your mercy which you have shown me by saving my life; but I cannot escape to the mountains, lest some evil overtake me and I die."
20 "See now, this city is near enough to flee to, and it is a little one; please let me escape there (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live."
21 "And he said to him, "See, I have favored you concerning this thing also, in that I will not overthrow this city for which you have spoken."
22 "Hurry, escape there. For I cannot do anything until you arrive there." Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar."
23 "The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered Zoar."
24 "Then the LORD rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the LORD out of the heavens."
25 "So He overthrew those cities, all the plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground."
26 "But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."


It's been exactly 30 days since the last time that I blogged....my absence had not been intentional I assure you. It's just that no matter how earnest my intentions to write were, there always seemed to be a reason not to....plus, I think I just get tired of writing only when something negative has been going on. For some reason, most of my creative inspiration comes when I'm feeling "blue" as it were. Whether it's dance choreography, poetry, or blogging, the more "down in the dumps" I am the better the finished product.

I am happy to tell you that things are going much more smoothly. I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. The Saturday car drop offs are no longer a cause for major anxiety, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to sink into a comfortable rhythm.

But every now and then, I have these flashes of thought. Thinking over all these years and all the things that have happened. That's when I have to remind myself not to look back, not to try and open closed doors. God is moving me on for a purpose. So I very quickly dismiss these thought and refocus to the now, the very moment that I'm in.

Time has a way of healing all things, but it's sort of like the proverbial pot, if you watch it.......So I'm not going to "watch" for time to heal me. I'm just going to let it do it's thing.

Today...I Opened My Heart And Let Go

Just when I thought my separation couldn't get any worse......it did. I know that may sound cliche, but it's true. This past week had to be the worst so far. Until now, I really think that I was making progress, learning to accept my situation, how wrong was I.

It's funny what you'll find when you're looking at the family plan cell phone bill. Yes I handle the family cell phone plan and yes, the soon-to-be ex is still on the plan. Long story....can't get him off the plan right now. Any way, the bill has been going up the last few months. I thought it was me talking to my mom more frequently......but nooooooo it was a barrage of daily phone calls from the "soon-to-be's" cell phone.....to a woman.

My heart sank as I ran through the cell phone call logs for the last few months. So I did what any normal woman would do, I called the number. I introduced myself and told her that I was looking at the cell bill and noticed this number was on the log almost daily for my HUSBANDS cell number. She gave me the most condescending attitude that I've ever heard. She proceeded to say, "I'm just a friend and a colleague".

All I could think to myself was "damn"......she's the other woman. You know the funny thing about it, in the beginning of this whole mess, some of the the few people that I did tell, asked me was there another woman, and I always said no, because I really didn't think so.

The "soon-to-be" said that she was just a friend, blah,blah, blah! So of course we had to have the inevitable argument. Me being the techno-savvy that I am, was able to find out, where she was living, working, and found her on  a social network. I wish I had never found her....because now her face is forever branded in my memory........maybe someday it will go away.

So last night as I slept, I think that God and I were wrestling, wrestling for a promise. I needed to tell the "soon-to-be" really how I felt about everything since he left, but I didn't want to. So today when he came to drop off the car I told him that I needed to talk to him.

I just let it all out........exactly what was said I will not detail for you here, however, I know now that I really can go on.

I have clue what lays down the road......but I feel relieved, I feel as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I made it through the "he left me", and "the other woman". The only milestones left would be the "I'm filing for divorce" and the "here are the papers".

I opened my hear and let everything in it go......now there's room for other things.