Purpose

Life is such an amazing enigma....

e·nig·ma/iˈnigmə/

Noun:

A person or thing that is mysterious, puzzling, or difficult to understand. A riddle or paradox.

I'm finally at a place where I'm starting to feel as if there will be a life after the life that was.....and then I realized something, not so much a new realization, but the resurfacing of an old haunting feeling, "What exactly is my purpose?"

This is a conversation that God and I have had off and on for many years. I have a secret that I'll share with you. I have never truly known what my purpose in life was. I thought my only purpose was to be a wife and then a mother. I thank God daily for my children, they're the shining embers in what I would call the ashes of a marriage past. But I'm talking about that over all great purpose.

Does anyone every know what their purpose in life really is? I have no idea, but it's about time that I started finding out.

¹¹ For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. ¹² Then you will call on me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. ¹³ You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. ¹⁴ I will be found by you,” declares the LORD, “and will bring you back from captivity.^[b]

It's this promise that I'm going to lean on. I am no longer captive to a relationship that gave me no sunlight. Now there's nothing in my way to keep me from growing accept for me. I don't have to know right now what my purpose is, but I do know that I have one and that it will be good.

Inhale....Exhale....Inhale...Exhale

 It's been a little over four months.....and where am I? Better than I was, but not as good as I know that I'm going to be.

It was Sunday night...*sigh* I'm not sure what Sunday night looks like for most, but for me it feels like an weekly exercise in futility. By the time Sunday comes I realize that I have gotten no rest, that I'm just as tired as I was the week before, and that the next day will be Monday......and the wheel goes round and round.

I go to work, I keep my kids together, I study, I write....and I get no sleep. A good nights sleep has become something that eludes me. Just when I feel like I'm slipping into a really deep sleep, the alarm goes off.

Inside I know I'm holding on to something that I need to let go of....but I can't quite put my finger on it. The other day a really sweet person on Twitter asked me if I thought my "soon-to-be ex" would come back, or if I even wanted him to. I have asked myself these very same questions a thousand times...and I really have no answer.

I think, I'm afraid to admit out loud that I really don't want him to come back.....that would make me a bad person, a bad wife. I'm supposed to keeping the light burning in the window in the hopes that "sir stupid" will see the error of his ways and come home.

The not so funny thing is, if I think about it too long a get a knot in the pit of my stomach and feel nauseous! (I have really bad reactions to anxiety) That's when I have to remind my self to breathe...inhale, exhale....inhale, exhale.....I have to remind myself that I can only be in control of my own actions, that it's OK for me to love myself and to know that I deserve to be happy.....and that this is all just a part of the process.

"I willingly accept love and feel it to the depth of my being."

Pillar Of Salt

 Genesis 19:17-26 NKJV 
 

17 "So it came to pass, when they had brought them outside, that he said, "Escape for your life! Do not look behind you nor stay anywhere in the plain. Escape to the mountains, lest you be destroyed."
18 "Then Lot said to them, "Please, no, my lords!"
19 "Indeed now, your servant has found favor in your sight, and you have increased your mercy which you have shown me by saving my life; but I cannot escape to the mountains, lest some evil overtake me and I die."
20 "See now, this city is near enough to flee to, and it is a little one; please let me escape there (is it not a little one?) and my soul shall live."
21 "And he said to him, "See, I have favored you concerning this thing also, in that I will not overthrow this city for which you have spoken."
22 "Hurry, escape there. For I cannot do anything until you arrive there." Therefore the name of the city was called Zoar."
23 "The sun had risen upon the earth when Lot entered Zoar."
24 "Then the LORD rained brimstone and fire on Sodom and Gomorrah, from the LORD out of the heavens."
25 "So He overthrew those cities, all the plain, all the inhabitants of the cities, and what grew on the ground."
26 "But his wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt."


It's been exactly 30 days since the last time that I blogged....my absence had not been intentional I assure you. It's just that no matter how earnest my intentions to write were, there always seemed to be a reason not to....plus, I think I just get tired of writing only when something negative has been going on. For some reason, most of my creative inspiration comes when I'm feeling "blue" as it were. Whether it's dance choreography, poetry, or blogging, the more "down in the dumps" I am the better the finished product.

I am happy to tell you that things are going much more smoothly. I'm starting to feel like I can breathe again. The Saturday car drop offs are no longer a cause for major anxiety, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to sink into a comfortable rhythm.

But every now and then, I have these flashes of thought. Thinking over all these years and all the things that have happened. That's when I have to remind myself not to look back, not to try and open closed doors. God is moving me on for a purpose. So I very quickly dismiss these thought and refocus to the now, the very moment that I'm in.

Time has a way of healing all things, but it's sort of like the proverbial pot, if you watch it.......So I'm not going to "watch" for time to heal me. I'm just going to let it do it's thing.

Days 17 and 18 - One Small Victory At A Time

I'm learning to take pleasure in the small achievements that I make along this journey. Usually I have a bit of anxiety on the weekends...that's when I see him, every Saturday....but you know what, this time I felt just a bit stronger than I did the week before.

I think I felt a little stronger because I've been doing some soul searching, and I I realize that I have to find myself. I need to find out who I am, what I like, who I want to be, but most of all what God wants me to be. I've lived my entire life trying to some how morph into the perfect person that someone else want me to be. But how can you live trying to please another person? We as people are all flawed, fallible...If a person can't love you for who you are then they don't love you. But more than that if you don't know who you are yourself, how can they know the real you....and that is my error.

So I'm on the road to finding out who I am, to becoming the best me that I can be, so that I can be at my best not matter if I'm with someone else, or just with me, myself and I.

Free to be me!